Marauding Pastries
by Melancholy Crumpet
Summary: Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs all become marauding pastries, bound to a fate of sitting in a Bakery, praying that nobody will stroll in and eat them...
1. Messrs Danish, Donut, Crumpet, and Scone

Disclaimer: All Harry Potter characters belong to J.K. Rowling. However, the pastries belong to us. Hands off!

Oh yes, Waves. Hiya! I'm Melancholy Crumpet and this is my, erm, sidekick Cry Missing! She's writing too! (All by herself! What a smart girl. . . XD)

So uhhh…Ya. Blinks.

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Once upon a time there were four friends surrounded by food.

"We're surrounded by food," Peter said thoughtfully.

"Oh, really?" Sirius said, rolling his eyes. He stepped forward, eyeing the prospects of the deserted Hogwarts kitchen.

"A danish!" Peter cried.

Before anyone could react, Sirius had snatched the danish.

Peter whimpered. "Awwww, can I have it?"

"No."

"Please?"

"Mine." Sirius threw a croissant at Peter's head.

"How about Moony gets the danishes?" James proposed, and Remus smiled silently. "After all, he _did_ find the place for us."

"I get the donuts, then!" Peter cried.

James immediately ran for the scones, hoarding them protectively.

Sirius kicked the wall. "I suppose that leaves me with the crumpets, then, eh?"

"Seeing as the croissants are all dirty..."

"How're we gonna fit all this under the invisibility cloak?" James whined.

"We're not," Remus said, throwing a danish in frustration.

_Melancholy Crumpet: Poor danish!! Cries._

_Cry Missing: Hush, you._

"Well," Sirius said, grinning. "You _are_ officially a school prefect now, so..."

"No. This is enough."

"Oh, come on, Moony!" James said, jumping.

Peter giggled. Remus blinked owlishly at him.

_Melancholy Crumpet: Nuuuu! Beats over the head with a broom. MEH TURN!_

_Cry Missing: x.x;_

_Melancholy Crumpet: Buahahahaha. Steals pen and begins to write._

Just then! [Gasp] An -evil- house elf appeared.

"Who are you?" Peter asked, taking a bite of his donut.

"I'm the -evil- house elf. Didn't you read my appearance two lines above?"

"Oh…Erm…Crumpet?" James said, offering their new guest a tasty pastry.

"Fools! Those are _my_ crumpets! I - I worked so hard on them too…" The -evil- house elf was almost near tears by now. "You're all going to pay!"

"Alright, but I've only got two sickles," Peter responded, fishing in his pocket for some money. Sirius slapped him for being a twit. Peter then cried in a pansy-like way.

The -evil- house elf then proceeded to start dancing maniacally in a circle around the four, muttering odd curses.

James raised an eyebrow and Remus said nervously, "Erm, Mister -Evil- House Elf, sir, I'm sure we can sort this out some other way…There's no reason to get upset…"

_Melancholy Crumpet: Meh..._

_Cry Missing: Can I take over?_

_Melancholy Crumpet: If you like._

There was a big, fat, shiny, bright flashy light of brightness, assorted noises, and a disgruntled cow. Then... there was silence.

There was then more silence.

"Wow," Sirius said. "It's really quiet."

"Not anymore, you twit."

"Who was that?"

"Who are you?"

"I can't seeee!!"

"Maybe if the author let us know who was talking..."

_Cry Missing: That was you just now, Remus._

"Got it."

"Where are we?" James whined.

"Holy Gryffindor!" Sirius cried. "I can't feel my legs!"

"You have no legs, Padfoot," Remus said dryly.

"Why not?"

"You're a crumpet."

_Melancholy Crumpet: Claps. I'm so proud!_

_Cry Missing: Beats with a frying pan._

_Melancholy Crumpet: Ow._

_Cry Missing: Bwah._

"Ew," James said. "Crumpets are so bland!"

_Melancholy Crumpet: HEY!_

"Scones are worse," Sirius countered.

"I am not a scone!"

"Look at yourself!"

James then caught a glimpse of himself in all his scone-like scone-ness.

_Melancholy Crumpet: Will the Marauders ever truly accept their fate as scrumptious pastries?_

_Cry Missing: Will we ever reveal the secret of the -evil- house elf?_

_Melancholy Crumpet: I get to write next!!_

Peter laughed. "I'm a donut!"

And thus, the chapter was no more.

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A/N:

Review! And if you do... make sure we know whom you're addressing... because we truly are separate people.

Or are we...?

[DUN DUN DUN!]


	2. Ihr kommet zur Mr Putzkammer

Once upon a time, in Germany, there was a bakery by the name of Frederick's Pastries.  
  
Of course, this delightful little store on the edge of town was owned by Frederick Putzkammer himself. Who is Mr. Putzkammer you ask? Well, he is a stout man and a baker...  
  
I suppose you really don't care about Mr. Putzkammer.  
  
Mr. Putzkammer runs off crying  
  
Look what you've done now, you've hurt his feelings! Anyway. . .  
  
"Where are we?" Peter asked, still munching on his donut.  
  
"What're you doing Peter?!"  
  
Peter stared down at the donut he was eating and gave a strangled cry. "Oh no! I bit myself!"  
  
James stared at him in awe. "You really are a glazed pastry with a mysterious hole..."  
  
"Why's it so dark in here?" Sirius asked idly.  
  
Suddenly, as if an answer to his question, the ceiling was adorned with Muggle-styled lights.  
  
"That was oddly convenient..." Remus remarked.  
  
"Oooo, the lights reflecting off this pretty little glass thingy," James said.  
  
"What glass thingy?"  
  
"Er... the one we're caged in indefinitely?"  
  
"Ah. Got it."  
  
_Cry Missing: I've got your pen._  
  
_Melancholy Crumpet: Breaks into song Who's pen? My pen? Your pen! That pen!_  
  
_Cry Missing: Smothers co-author with pillows_  
  
Sirius and James tip-toed -  
  
_Melancholy Crumpet: Pastries don't tip-toe, do they?  
  
Cry Missing: They do now.  
  
Cry Missing: ..._  
  
The crumpet known as Sirius, and the scone deemed James, scooted in a pastry-like way to the glass window, and started running into it, denting their flour composed bodies.  
  
"Oooo," James said in awe. "Sirius, you're squishy."  
  
"Probably not as tasty as me, though," Peter chimed in, continuing to chomp on himself.  
  
Sirius's eyes widened. "You off your rockers?"  
  
"Nope. Just hungry."  
  
"Honestly, mate," James said. "You've no idea what part of yourself you've just eaten."  
  
Remus gasped, and a theatrical 'bum bum BUM' was heard throughout the bakery.  
  
"What is it?"  
  
"A customer..."  
  
_Melancholy Crumpet: I threaten you with my ominous lobster of doom!  
_  
_Cry Missing: Blinks Your ominous lobster of doom is dead...  
  
Melancholy Crumpet: Oh. Lobster flops over Erm... Steals pen back_  
  
Peter screamed in a pastry-like way and the others blinked, wondering what to do.  
  
As the girl began speaking to the bakery owner, deciding what she would have, reality struck them. Ouch. For it was none other then schoolmate Lily Evans. What she was doing in Germany we've yet to find out...  
  
James grinned and pressed his face to the glass. "It's Evans!" he exclaimed.  
  
As she bent down to take a look at the assortment of pastries, James began to jump up and down yelling, "Pick me, Pick me!"  
  
"Shut up or she WILL pick you!"  
  
"What's wrong with that?" James asked, looking back at the three.  
  
Remus sighed all-knowingly. "Because if she does you've become breakfast."  
  
"Oh no!" James cried, his voice beginning to squeak. "Don't eat me Lily, I love you!"  
  
Frederick shuffled his way up to the customer. "You like zis one? We haff zeh finest scones around." Lily nodded.  
  
James then threw a stray piece of lint on himself. Lily frowned politely, and moved on to where Sirius was frantically chasing a bug, and Peter was watching with a fearful expression of horror.  
  
"You know what?" Remus said suddenly - louder and bolder than what was ever expected of him. "Peter was smart to do what he'd done..."  
  
"What?"  
  
Remus took a big bite out of his danish self.  
  
"What the hell, Moony?" Sirius exclaimed, smothering the bug with his crumpet body.  
  
"What?" Remus said. "I've bitten myself before... and besides, nobody's going to buy a half eaten danish."  
  
Lily frowned again, laughing nervously, asking if the German baker had any croissants.  
  
Suddenly the chapter abruptly ended. Many fans were pissed. :[  
  
Will the Marauders get eaten? Will Lily ever find out if the Bakery has croissants? Will Mr. Putzkammer ever stop being a pansy?  
  
Find out next chappeh! Buahahahaha!  
  
_Cry Missing: What the hell? That sucked!  
  
Melancholy Crumpet: Erm...Danish?_


End file.
